Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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