I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
