Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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