i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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