Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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