Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
