Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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