So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
