I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
