It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
