yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
