I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
MIDGETS
????
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
