I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
