Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Quick, to the slutcave!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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