Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
