So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
