It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I could make wine with my vomit
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
