and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
