When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
