Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
