you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
