I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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