Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
