True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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