I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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