Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
