bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
