Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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