Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
