The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
