Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
