Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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