hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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