4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
