that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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