i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
