I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
