im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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