well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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