I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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