then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
