I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
