So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
