i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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