I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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