do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
