I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
