At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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