i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
