A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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