At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
