Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
